Encounters: I Can Haz Ur Hair?

I mean, couldn't you just take some of the hair from your eyebrows?

Encounters and the Biddie Beat are back, and man have I got a great OKCupid message to kick off this epic return.

Apparently, he is a self-proclaimed master at kissing who didn’t start wearing underwear until the mighty age of seven. But, unfortunately, all of that kissing and a commando youth have apparently left him in serious need for a hair transplant. Chances are he still hasn’t discovered his penis, either, but we’re not looking to investigate the truth behind any of those claims.

From: Mr. Clean
To: Ms. Luscious Locks

Hey how is everything? I was wondering would you give me some of your hair when I will get trans plant? because I lose my hair day by day 🙂 lol ok ok do not worry, you do not have to give me hair if you do not want after we could have nice conversation face to face 🙂 with watching stars on the sky 🙂 

Horseless Prince Serkan 😉

Encounters: Messages from Match

"But why must all the men be creepy?" Image via Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com/FLICKR

Full disclosure: I’m not finding OKCupid very useful these days.

While I did go on a string of dates with a great guy, my main reason for using the website—the inappropriate and often grammatically embarrassing messages that make my creep-tastic “Biddie Encounters” worth reading—have stopped.

Which makes me wonder—what did I do to stop attracting these creepers?

But alas, it’s not what I did, it’s how I’m doing it! I’m on the wrong site—the douchey dudes of internet dating have shifted over to Match.com.

I’m obviously missing the poetry and the ellipses. Luckily some awesome biddies started “Messages from Match,” a Tumblr dedicated to publishing those grossly misspelled, completely terrible attempts at first contact that only come with online dating.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

The only time a dude ever began a relationship in the doghouse. “RUFF, RUFF, WOFF, WOFF and HOWL, to you! Yes, I am acting like a animal. that’s because you bring out the Wolf in me! Don’t get too close Sweety, Because I have a Sweet Tooth, for you. Of Course I Bite. i am like lightning you never know when or where I will strike. Sometime I can and do strike more then once in the same place.”

If you give a creep a cookie… he might molest you. “If I could turn back time…I’d meet you when we were both kids. During lunch..I’d walk up to you in the playground and offer you my cookie. And it won’t be half the cookie…I’d give you the entire thing. Then I’d whisper in your ear “when you’re all grown up…..and turned into a beautiful woman…I’ll be waiting in this playground. Waiting for you to show up………………….with a glass of milk in my hand. So u betta not eat that cookie girl!!!”

And my personal favorite because I once received the exact same message on OKCupid:

Do I get your balls on a platter, too? “Overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know that I have decided to marry and divorce you inside my mind. Sincerely, Your imaginary ex-hubby.  P.S. I get to keep our beach house in Florida and the leftover pie. You get to keep the overweight cat.”

Read more on Messages From Match.