Go Ahead, Fart With Confidence

Image via MyShreddies.com

It seems like only yesterday that we were asking you, “Is it ever OK to let one rip in front of your man?”

Now that question has been deemed irrelevant, thanks to a revolutionary new pair of panties.

The lord of all things girly has blessed us with ‘Flatulence Filtering Underwear’ called MyShreddies. Get it?

They come in a variety of cuts, from hi-waisted to your standard brief. Here’s how they claim to work: “Using activated carbon cloth to filter odor molecules, Shreddies underwear can remove the malodorous gases from the most severe flatulence.” The panties can also protect against vaginal odor.

Shreddies are also available for men, because let’s face it–all farters are created equal. The European-based company ships worldwide. With the right amount of planning, they’ll arrive in time to become the perfect holiday gift. Because nothing says, “I love you” like a pair of flatulence filtering underwear.

Source: The Clearly Dope

Encounters: What Does Your “Night” Mean?

Hmm, you'd like to hump on hump day? Let me pencil you in.

This isn’t your standard “Biddie Encounter” (we’re running short on OKCupid messages lately, and haven’t been on any bad dates). Rather, we’re posting a summary of a recent post on The Frisky, which interpreted the meaning behind which day of the week you choose to go on a date.

Here goes nothin’:

Monday: Wow! This dude wants to see you even though he is likely suffering from a serious case of the Mondays? Good for you girl, you’re totally getting laid tonight.

Tuesday: Apparently, this is a bad sign. Don’t expect him to want sex. You’re lucky if you can get him to stay out past 10 pm.

Wednesday: Is hump day a good day for a pre-humping date? Yes, biddie, it is.

Thursday: We’re not saying “He’s just not that into you.” Rather, we’re saying, “He’s likely seeing someone else tomorrow because if he really liked you he’d see you on the weekend” or some such.

Friday: He digs you.

Saturday: No, really, he super digs you. You’re totally sleeping at his place tonight.

Sunday: Psh, why bother? On the seventh day, he rested. He did not date. Sundays are lazy days; if you’re dating on a lazy day, you probably aren’t dating at all.

—

I’ve been on dates on every single one of these days. Lemme tell you, I think gauging attraction based on the night of the week is a crock of crap. If a dude digs you, he’ll want to see you no matter what day of the week it is. And then, come the weekend, he’ll want to see you then, too. It’s not a hard concept to grasp.

Finally! A Flow Chart for Putting Out

Deciding whether or not you put out after a date usually depends on the amount of alcohol consumed, your morals, and your theory on the “sacredness” of sex.

But, if you’re looking to simplify the process even further, we’ve found a nifty flowchart. Print it out and keep it in your purse. If you’re torn about having the sex with your date, refer to the chart. You’re welcome.

Source: The Frisky, via Rosie Says

The Future of Sex Isn’t All That Promising

So, in the future, sex will be like a video game? Great. As if he isn't playing enough 'Halo' already. Image via dpape/FLICKR

If you’re like me, you’re pretty pissed that we aren’t traveling around in flying cars—or at least teleporting from point A to point B—now that it’s 2011.

But I apparently shouldn’t be too disappointed in the lack of technological advancement for two reasons. One, it keeps the Marty McFlys of the world at bay. And two, some seriously sexy stuff is only 19 years away. Because in the year 2030, remote virtual love making will exist.

In layman’s terms: LONG-DISTANCE SEXY TIME.

The prediction was made by an engineer and “futurologist” hired by Travelodge. He explains virtual sex as a way for partner’s to connect while away from home. Granted you’ll need to stay in a hotel, which doesn’t offer much of a solution to couples who are too-far-for-sex on a permanent basis, but at least it’s a start, right? I mean, virtual reality sex. It’s got to provide some benefit, correct? Something better than masturbation? Unless, of course, it’s all just an illusion to create a sense of intimacy even when thousands of miles separate you, in which case why not just choke your chicken while staring at a picture of your significant other? But, I digress…

The only apparent downside (aside from all of those listed above) is the ‘special accommodations’ that that can be applied to each romp in the virtual sack. Fancy glasses can be worn by the hotel-stayer to change the appearance of his/her partner. And the person on the other end will have no idea.

So, you want to put your cyber P into my virtual-reality V, but you’re going to morph my face, ass and tits in the process? No bueno, future lover. No bueno.

Unless, of course, I can turn you into a mixture of Ryan Gosling and Jake Gyllenhaal while I’m on a business trip in 2030. In which case, beware—I may never come home.

Source: The “Futurologists” at Travelodge, via The Telegraph

Encounters: I Can Haz Ur Hair?

I mean, couldn't you just take some of the hair from your eyebrows?

Encounters and the Biddie Beat are back, and man have I got a great OKCupid message to kick off this epic return.

Apparently, he is a self-proclaimed master at kissing who didn’t start wearing underwear until the mighty age of seven. But, unfortunately, all of that kissing and a commando youth have apparently left him in serious need for a hair transplant. Chances are he still hasn’t discovered his penis, either, but we’re not looking to investigate the truth behind any of those claims.

From: Mr. Clean
To: Ms. Luscious Locks

Hey how is everything? I was wondering would you give me some of your hair when I will get trans plant? because I lose my hair day by day 🙂 lol ok ok do not worry, you do not have to give me hair if you do not want after we could have nice conversation face to face 🙂 with watching stars on the sky 🙂 

Horseless Prince Serkan 😉

Husband Reward System? Thanks, but No Thanks

Note: This post, written by your main biddie, originally appears on YourTango. Click the link at the bottom to read the rest!

You'll help with the vacuuming, and you'll like it. Via Miika Niemela/FLICKR

Ladies, when you’ve finished cooking dinner, washing the dishes, folding the laundry and sweeping the floors, what kind of reward do you receive from your husband? A kiss? A foot massage? A week-long getaway with your girlfriends?

Wait, you don’t receive any of those things? That’s what we thought. But, despite the fact that women do the housework with no promise of praise upon completion, an Australian news host has proposed an incentive program to encourage men to chip in around the house.

Here’s how the anchor, Karl Stefanovic, describes it:

“Why not have a scheme with your husband that’s not unlike a… frequent flier scheme. Let’s say the husband did the vacuuming, the dish washing, he cleaned the gutters, and got a lot of points that went towards a week in Thailand with his mates. Or something more simple like an afternoon at the pub on a Saturday. Something like that where you encourage and don’t expect something for nothing.”

It’s unclear whether or not Stefanovic was joking, but his female co-host fires back with an excellent point: Why do men need a Husband Rewards Program? READ THE REST ON YOURTANGO.

Then read this related Biddie Beat post: Do the Dishes, then Do the Deed.

#ThisIsWhyYou’reSingle

Go ahead and name drop Villanova, you M.B.A. grad. It won’t save you.

(Yes, I realize this is probably a fake video. Doesn’t matter. Real or not, talking about cats on rainbows, cats in bow ties and rolling around with cats will not get you laid. You’re focusing on the wrong pussy.)

In Case You Care: Global Perspectives on Cheating

Note: This post, written by your main biddie, originally appears on YourTango. Click the link at the bottom to read the rest!

Unfaithful politicians and celebrities have been blowing up the news lately, thanks to the wandering eyes of a certain former action star—ahem, Arnold Schwarzenegger. But high status men and women aren’t the only ones who cheat, and no matter where you are in the world, acts of infidelity are hard to ignore.

In a recent survey, social dating community Zoosk asked more than 12,500 singles in eight different countries how they felt about cheating. The results of this global study offer interesting perspectives on how being unfaithful—whether it be with a partner, a celebrity or a politican—are viewed around the world. Here are some of the most interesting results:

On politicians. Schwarzenegger may be retired from his role as the Governator, but if he were up for reelection, his infidelity would hurt his chances. More than half of U.S. singles say a politician’s cheating ways would influence their vote, with women caring more than men. Abroad, however, singles care much less about the private affairs of their government leaders… READ THE REST AT YOURTANGO.

Americans Aren’t Having Sex; We Can’t Figure Out Why

Too many condoms are going unused. Image via Robertelyov/FLICKR

I write this post with a heavy heart, biddies.

Before I begin, let’s just all share in a moment of silence. Now, please bow your heads in mourning for the sex lives of Americans.

I bring you sad news today, straight from adult toy company Adam & Eve. In their “Great American Sex Survey,” they asked adults how often they had sex. I’m sorry to report that this is what they found:

• 26 percent have sex once or twice a week
• 18 percent are not currently sexually active
• 16 percent have sex three or four times a week
• 15 percent do it once or twice a month
• 7 percent do it only once every few months
• 5 percent are still virgins
• 3 percent have sex once or twice a year

And worst of all, only three percent are having sex once every day.

These numbers are far too low—thus making the situation far too serious—for me to crack a joke about the results.

Source: Adam & Eve, via PRNewswire

Encounters: Messages from Match

"But why must all the men be creepy?" Image via Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com/FLICKR

Full disclosure: I’m not finding OKCupid very useful these days.

While I did go on a string of dates with a great guy, my main reason for using the website—the inappropriate and often grammatically embarrassing messages that make my creep-tastic “Biddie Encounters” worth reading—have stopped.

Which makes me wonder—what did I do to stop attracting these creepers?

But alas, it’s not what I did, it’s how I’m doing it! I’m on the wrong site—the douchey dudes of internet dating have shifted over to Match.com.

I’m obviously missing the poetry and the ellipses. Luckily some awesome biddies started “Messages from Match,” a Tumblr dedicated to publishing those grossly misspelled, completely terrible attempts at first contact that only come with online dating.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

The only time a dude ever began a relationship in the doghouse. “RUFF, RUFF, WOFF, WOFF and HOWL, to you! Yes, I am acting like a animal. that’s because you bring out the Wolf in me! Don’t get too close Sweety, Because I have a Sweet Tooth, for you. Of Course I Bite. i am like lightning you never know when or where I will strike. Sometime I can and do strike more then once in the same place.”

If you give a creep a cookie… he might molest you. “If I could turn back time…I’d meet you when we were both kids. During lunch..I’d walk up to you in the playground and offer you my cookie. And it won’t be half the cookie…I’d give you the entire thing. Then I’d whisper in your ear “when you’re all grown up…..and turned into a beautiful woman…I’ll be waiting in this playground. Waiting for you to show up………………….with a glass of milk in my hand. So u betta not eat that cookie girl!!!”

And my personal favorite because I once received the exact same message on OKCupid:

Do I get your balls on a platter, too? “Overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know that I have decided to marry and divorce you inside my mind. Sincerely, Your imaginary ex-hubby.  P.S. I get to keep our beach house in Florida and the leftover pie. You get to keep the overweight cat.”

Read more on Messages From Match.